20 Timeless One-Liners From Comedy Legends

Ever hear a joke so perfectly timed that it makes you laugh before you even realize what was said? That’s the kind of magic these classic comedians had. They didn’t need long stories or fancy setups—just one clever line, and you were hooked. Here’s a roundup of some of the sharpest, funniest one-liners ever delivered by comedy legends.

Groucho Marx: “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

Groucho Marx was a sharp-tongued comedian known for his quick wit and clever wordplay. His famous quip, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member,” reportedly came from a resignation letter to the Friars Club, though the exact origin remains debated. Beyond that, he hosted You Bet Your Life and starred in 13 films.

Richard Pryor: “I went to Zimbabwe… I looked around and said, ‘I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! ‘Cause when I heard the police car, I knew they weren’t coming after me!”

In his stand-up special, Live in Concert (1979), Richard Pryor used this line to tackle race and cultural perception with biting humor. His ability to blend social critique and raw energy set him apart. Pryor didn’t just tell jokes—he told the truth, and he made it unforgettable every time.

Rodney Dangerfield: “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender!”

Rodney Dangerfield, best known for his iconic line “I don’t get no respect,” built an entire career around bad luck and brutal honesty. He dropped this gem during his live stand-up sets, where jokes about his chaotic home life were fan favorites. Delivered with his wide-eyed panic, the line fit perfectly into his “no respect” universe.

George Carlin: “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

George Carlin delivered this line in his 2008 HBO special, It’s Bad for Ya, filmed just months before his passing. It’s one of many moments where he paired cynicism with self-awareness, poking fun at human behavior while pulling the audience into his mind. This bit captured his lifelong distrust of empty conversation.

Joan Rivers: “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

This famous gag comes straight from Joan Rivers’ stand-up shows and TV specials in the early 2000s, often riffing on aging and beauty standards. She was the first woman to host a late-night network show, launched The Joan Rivers Show in 1989, and later became a red carpet fixture with E! ‘s Fashion Police.

Robin Williams: “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

With expressions like this one, Robin Williams often poked fun at daily frustrations with a childlike energy. In his 2002 HBO special Live on Broadway, he used this line to riff on traffic, city life, and human absurdity. He also won an Oscar and voiced Genie in Aladdin.

Lucille Ball: “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

Not just a TV comedian, Lucille Ball was the powerhouse behind Desilu Productions, which helped launch Star Trek. She shared this line during interviews later in her career, often when asked about aging with grace in Hollywood. It became one of her most quoted remarks, blending sincerity with mischief.

Steve Martin: “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

This hilarious Steve Martin quote comes from his 1977 comedy album Let’s Get Small, where he leaned into surreal humor and anti-jokes that made audiences laugh at the obvious. The bit became a fan favorite. Beyond stand-up, he starred in The Jerk, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, and wrote Born Standing Up.

Bill Hicks: “Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.”

Remarked during his 1990 set recorded for the album Dangerous at Caroline’s in New York, this line is classic Bill Hicks—combinging rebellion and media critique in one sentence. He didn’t do safe material. From Relentless to Rant in E-Minor, his work hit nerves and lit up minds.

Don Rickles: “I’m the only Jew who ever made a buck off of Nixon.”

Famous for his impressions of deposed president Richard Nixon, Don Rickles is credited with this quip in his stand-up act. That was Rickles’ lane: roast royalty fearlessly in front of anyone. He made his name with brutal charm on The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts, later showing range in Casino and as Mr. Potato Head.

Milton Berle: “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

Milton Berle made this joke part of his go-to material in the 1950s, often performing it during his groundbreaking run on Texaco Star Theater. Dubbed Mr. Television, he was the first true TV star in America. His blend of vaudeville timing and marital jabs helped bring comedy into millions of living rooms.

Phyllis Diller: “Housework won’t kill you, but why take the chance?”

This line came straight from Phyllis Diller’s early club sets, where she shredded the perfect-housewife image with a cackle and a vacuum she pretended not to know how to use. Her jokes hit home because they flipped pressure into punchlines. She wasn’t polished—she was bold, loud, and unapologetically funny.

Red Skelton: “I don’t need glasses, but I’ve reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.”

Red Skelton, born in 1913, began performing at age 10 in traveling medicine shows and later became a vaudeville and burlesque entertainer. He gained national fame with The Red Skelton Show, which aired from 1951 to 1971. Red was also a talented painter and remained active in comedy for decades.

Johnny Carson: “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”

The host delivered this punchline in a 1991 monologue, poking fun at the explosion of Elvis impersonators. He was no stranger to lines that hit pop culture with perfect timing. Hosting The Tonight Show from 1962 to 1992, Johnny Carson shaped late-night TV with a dry wit that still influences comedians today.

Lenny Bruce: “Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.”

This line first appeared in Bruce’s 1965 autobiography, How to Talk Dirty and Influence People. It summed up his bold stance on religion, separating faith from institutions. Known for getting detained by police mid-set, Bruce didn’t back down from censorship. His court battles changed how comedy handles free speech forever.

Benny Hill: “Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”

A delightful blend of one-liners planted between sight gags and sketches made The Benny Hill Show a hit. Though famous for chase scenes and slapstick, Hill also snuck in surprisingly sharp lines like this one. His show aired in over 140 countries, making him one of Britain’s most exported comedians.

Bob Hope: “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

Bob Hope used this line in his live monologues, especially during his tours in the 1950s and ’60s. It resonated with audiences who knew the irony too well. With a career spanning seven decades, Hope starred in the “Road to…” films and performed nearly 60 USO tours for American troops overseas.

Redd Foxx: “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”

Typical of how he skewered wellness trends with his signature grit, Redd Foxx dropped this line during his stand-up shows in the 1970s. While known for raw club sets, he became a household name as Fred Sanford on Sanford and Son. That shift from raunch to primetime didn’t water him down; it showed his unmatched comedic range.

Jackie Gleason: “The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.”

Jackie Gleason knew how to make everyday struggles hilarious, especially when it came to food and self-control. This line, delivered on his variety shows, played into his well-known battles with dieting. While he made millions laugh as Ralph Kramden in The Honeymooners, he also impressed in dramatic roles like The Hustler.

Sid Caesar: “I once bought a crossword puzzle dictionary that gave me a headache. Every answer was ‘See puzzle.”

Shared in one of his TV specials, this line played off Caesar’s signature linguistic humor. Best known for Your Show of Shows, he helped launch the careers of Mel Brooks and Neil Simon. Caesar wasn’t known for quick punchlines, but when he delivered them, they were sharp and strange.